The Cheap Bastard is in a pickle. A really big pickle (obviously). After years of giving of myself, management now wants more. “Where are the great deals you promised,” they asked. “Why don’t you post more,” they scream. “If we have to chase you out of the ladies bathroom again, we’re pressing charges,” they bellow. But your pal Cheap is unafraid of challenges (for the record, the only things I’m afraid of are bats and little people). So that’s why El Cheaperino is off on a whirlwind golf trip to - Zimbabwe. Yes, President/Dictator Robert Mugabe has sent the Prince of ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard loves Hawaii. What’s not to love? Beautiful, exotic women, glorious golf opportunities, fabulous beaches - it’s a true paradise. And let El Cheapo let you in on a secret: If you get a shovel and dig anywhere on any one of the Hawaiian Islands, you know what comes up? Succulent, molten pig. So yours truly was excited to see Larry Olmsted at USA Today (the guy who has some weird Bro-mance with WorldGolf.com’s Brandon Tucker), write about a deal to Kauai through the Kauai Visitors Bureau: The Kauai Visitors Bureau has gotten the island’s best six golf clubs together, ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard despises William K. Wolfrum with the intensity of a thousand flame-broiled cheeseburgers. Wolfrum – a whiney, Marxist/Communist/Socialist/Terrorist/Stupidist that doesn’t even have the courage to live in the United States – recently crossed the line forever with your pal El Cheapo when he dedicated a moronic blog post (like all of his efforts) to rambling about Dot Wong and how she should retire from golf blogging. This is liberal fascism/Nazism at its best – you have a problem with competition, you try to eliminate them. And let me tell you, no one is going to talk bad about Dot ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard doesn’t spend much time up north. Especially not after that seal clubbing incident. But sometimes even yours truly needs to get out of his comfort zone - and let me tell you it a true Zone of Comfort - and see what’s happening with our Canadian pals to the north. Ok, I assume we’re pals. Your Royal Cheapness has never actually met a Canadian, and those rumors of me stalking Michael J. Fox are slanderous half-truths. But hey, it’s Canada. What’s not good about Canada except their militant, useless socialized health care? Canada really is a great part ... full post »

Folks, your pal the Cheap Bastard has come up with a fool-proof plan on how to get you playing golf at some of the world’s most beautiful golf courses for less, and save the country from the scourge of illegal immigration, as well. Here’s what you do, set yourself up with a great golf travel trip to Mexico, and when you’re on the way down, grab an illegal alien and then toss them out when you get to the other side. If it turns out they aren’t illegal or aren’t from Mexico, so what. Let them sort it out, says El ... full post »

Appearances aside, the Cheap Bastard is the romantic type. El Bastardo treats his woman like a queen, lavishing her with gifts, tender words, and the occasional romantic golf package for two to a Florida resort. So it really makes you wonder why Los Cheapos never actually has a girlfriend. Thus far my open invitations to Golf Girl, Golf Chick, Jennifer Mario, Michelle Wie, Heather McMichael, Sophie Sandolo, Paula Creamer and Dot Wong have all been met with utter silence at best, and rabid contempt at worst. Heck, I even sent a Valentine’s Day card to Brandon Tucker one year and still ... full post »

Back when El Cheapo here was a Teenage Bastard, he remembers the endless rumors of how you could go to government auctions and buy a Jeep for $1. It sounded fantastic, of course, but then you noticed that you never met anyone who had gotten a Jeep like that, and the landscape wasn’t littered with government-surplus Jeeps. Nowadays, your Royal Cheapness gets the same vibe from Priceline. They litter the airwaves with commercials about their amazing deals where you can travel from Pacoima to Paris for $2.50 or so. Yet I’ve never met a soul who has bragged about scoring a ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard likes things that are inexpensive and that should go without saying. And his Royal Cheapness would never steer you wrong or give bad advice. Don’t for an instant confuse me with my brother Rat. Because here’s the thing, El Bastardo may like things cheap, but he prefers them free. You know that saying “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth"? Ok, I don’t really know what it means either, but free is better than cheap. Just ask my sister Free. So here’s a freebie for you: PGA Professional Joe Beck’s video golf tips. Oh, I know what ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard is constantly amazed at just how low the bar has dropped for golf writers. As if guys like Chris Baldwin, Tim McDonald and Brandon Tucker aren’t bad enough, there’s Bill Wolfrum, one of those wimpy liberal types who gets offended at his own shadow. Luckily, Wolfrum - who’s as funny as Al Gore on sedatives - is smart enough to talk to funny people. That helps. Take a look at his BadGolfer.com feature on comedian Mike McDonald and his “World’s Funniest Golf Balls.” Despite Wolfrum’s best attempts, McDonald comes off as funny, and his new product seems like ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard loves Australia. From the moment you arrive, hot, scantily clad women like Elle McPherson and Anna Rawson busy themselves giving you massages, while Russell Crowe and Paul Hogan fistfight to determine who will hand-feed you another shrimp. It’s glorious. Ok, the Cheap Bastard has never been to Australia. But he has high hopes, and so should you. Because, right now, not only is Australia packed with sexy people, it also is looking for some golfers, because the locals aren’t keeping up with the pace of play. It seems that local courses in and around Sydney have gone as far ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard is in love. Yes, yours truly has finally found a woman deserving of his own unique brand of love. Horrible, sweaty, nearly illegal love. That’s because El Bastardo has finally found the woman of his dreams - Patricia Hannigan, author of Golf Girl’s Diary, and a Goddess with a capital “GODDESS.” Think this Bastard would lie to you? Check out the picture below: I mean, are you freakin’ kidding me??? Why hasn’t anyone told me about her? Or sent me pictures? Anyway, here’s the dealio. It seems that the amazing Patricia is married. That’s the bad news. The good news ... full post »

Hey Folks, happy Monday, or, as your pal Cheap Bastard likes to call it, “The Day Hugo Chavez Got Spanked in Venezuela” Day. Yes, our least favorite commie-pinko-scum-dictator got told by his people that they didn’t want a dictator. Or if they want a dictator, they don’t want him. Something like that. El Cheapo is sure that El Hugo will soon be blaming this on the U.S. because he’s a jerk like that. So in honor of Chavez seeing his dreams of being Fidel Castro Jr. get dashed, lets take a look at a place that took some damage of its ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard is good pals with Randy Inder, who writes the Myrtle Beach Insider blog over at MyrtleBeachGolf.com. We make an unbeatable team. With his good looks, charm and intelligence, and my ability to eat copious amounts of Buffalo wings, we are constantly in the company of beautiful women, and Buffalo wing salespeople. One of the things I like about the Insider is that he’s never afraid to pick up a check (El Bastardo is terrified of it) and that he always knows where to find a deal, like yours truly. Take right now, for instance. If you head over to ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard is a law-abiding citizen. But really only in the scientific sense. Meaning you’d never catch El Cheapo violating, say, the law of gravity. Or the Zeroth law of thermodynamics, which states “If two thermodynamic systems are each in thermal equilibrium with a third, then they are in thermal equilibrium with each other.” But that probably goes without saying. As for the laws of the land, well, yours truly can be pretty pick and choose-y most the times, as are many of you out there, it appears. That’s why I thought I’d bring an interesting article to your attention. It’s ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard is a carbon-based life form. But a highly flammable one. You see, where most people get pigment, yours truly got a mixture of rocket fuel and propane. Now, surprisingly, this makes my skin incredibly soft and supple. But sadly, my body could detonate the moment the temperatures hit 80. Which is why, sadly, I am unable to take advantage of some of the great rates going on in Arizona right now. You see, right at this very moment, it’s roughly 115 degrees Celsius, cubed in Arizona. Those that manage golf courses realize this is a problem, at least ... full post »